Don’t Marry Without Spiritual Accountability
There are decisions in life you can correct after making a mistake, but marriage is not one of them that should be entered into carelessly.
A wrong business decision may cost you money. A wrong career decision may cost you years. But a wrong marital decision can affect your peace, destiny, family, children, spiritual assignment and even your relationship with God. This is why marriage should never be approached with emotions alone.
Before you say, “Yes, I will marry you,” there are questions you need to ask. Who is this person spiritually? Who can correct him or her? Who does this person respect? Who has been speaking into his or her life? What happens when this person is corrected? Is there someone mature enough to call him or her to order when necessary?
Many people spend months investigating someone's educational background, financial situation, family history, career, physical appearance and social status, yet they never ask one of the most revealing questions:
“Who is this person accountable to?”
Who can correct him? Who can correct her? Who does he respect enough to listen to? Who does she submit to when she needs counsel? Who has been praying with them, teaching them, correcting them and helping them grow?
Because one day, the wedding celebration will end.
The music will stop.
The guests will return home.
The photographs will become memories.
The beautiful clothes will be kept away.
And then the real journey of marriage will begin.
That is when character will matter. That is when spiritual maturity will matter. That is when humility will matter. That is when accountability will matter. And that is when you may suddenly discover why the people who tried to guide you before marriage were asking questions you thought were unnecessary.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW THE PERSON?
What if the person you are about to marry is not the person you think you know?
What if there is something about that man you have not yet discovered?
What if there is something about that woman you have not yet seen?
What if the very person you are excitedly preparing to marry will one day become the greatest source of your tears—or the greatest partner in fulfilling God's purpose for your life?
Who will speak to you when love has blinded your eyes?
Who will correct you when emotions have taken over?
Who will warn you when everyone around you is celebrating your relationship?
And perhaps the most important question of all:
WHO CAN SPEAK TO THE PERSON YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY, AND WILL THAT PERSON ACTUALLY LISTEN?
These are not questions meant to destroy relationships. They are questions meant to help people enter marriage with their eyes open.
Marriage is too serious to be decided by beauty alone.
It is too important to be decided by money alone.
It is too sacred to be decided by emotions alone.. And it is too dangerous to enter without wisdom.
Sometimes, what an elder sees, the child may not see.
Sometimes, the person you are rejecting because of what you see today may be carrying a future you cannot yet recognize. And sometimes, the person you are accepting because of what you see today may be carrying weaknesses you have never taken time to investigate.
This is why spiritual mentorship matters.
A LESSON I LEARNED IN 2017
I remember an experience from a Youth Conference in Lagos State, Nigeria, in 2017. During the meeting, one of the guest speakers, a Pastor, was invited to the podium.
What happened next left a deep impression on me.
The words of exhortation and spiritual instruction that proceeded from him electrified the atmosphere. As I looked around the gathering, I could see hope, joy and renewed expectation on the faces of the young people.
But his message was not simply another marriage lecture.
He was addressing something deeper.
He was talking about preparation before marriage, spiritual accountability, wisdom, godly counsel and the danger of walking blindly into one of the most important decisions of life.
Then he made a statement that caught my attention:
“My noble youths, ladies and gentlemen, I want to assure you that you must have someone you need to give account of!”
That statement deserves serious consideration which I'm going to share later in details.
However whether you are a man or a woman, whether you are already in a relationship or still waiting for marriage, there is a question you must answer before you say yes:
WHO CAN SPEAK INTO YOUR LIFE?
And who can speak into the life of the person you want to marry?
WHY SPIRITUAL ACCOUNTABILITY MATTERS
Many people investigate a person's family background, education, occupation, financial status and physical appearance before marriage, but they never investigate something equally important: spiritual accountability.
Yet, the person you marry will become one of the closest voices in your life.
What happens when that person begins to change after marriage?
Who can speak to him?
Who can speak to her?
Who can help you when communication breaks down?
Who can remind your spouse of the values he or she once professed?
Who can call him or her to order when necessary?
This is not about allowing people to control your relationship. It is not about giving another human being the final authority over your marriage. It is about understanding that God can use mature, godly people to provide counsel, correction, wisdom and perspective when our emotions make it difficult to see clearly.
A wedding ceremony may last for a few hours, but marriage is a journey that can last for decades.
Therefore, you need more than attraction.
You need wisdom.
You need more than feelings.
You need knowledge.
You need more than romantic excitement.
You need prayer, discernment and godly counsel.
BEFORE YOU SAY YES, ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS
The person you marry will influence your home.. Your home will influence your children.. Your family will influence your future.
And your marriage may either strengthen or weaken the assignment God has placed in your hands.
So before you say YES, don't just ask, “Do I love this person?”
Ask deeper questions.
Who is this person spiritually?
Who corrects this person?
Who does this person respect?
Who can call this person to order?
What happens when this person is corrected?
Does this person have spiritual accountability?
These questions are not meant to create fear. They are meant to create awareness.
A person who refuses every form of correction before marriage should not be ignored simply because you are in love. A person who has no one they respect, no mature voice they listen to and no willingness to receive godly counsel should cause you to pause and seek wisdom.
Likewise, you must examine yourself.
Who can correct you?
Who can tell you when you are wrong?
Who do you listen to when your emotions are strong?
Who can lovingly confront you when you are making a dangerous decision?
Spiritual accountability is not only something you should demand from the person you want to marry. It is something you should also cultivate in your own life.
YOU NEED GODLY VOICES AROUND YOUR LIFE
Sometimes, God places mature people around us because there are things we cannot see from where we stand.
A person may look ordinary today but carry a future you cannot yet recognize. Likewise, someone may look perfect before marriage while hiding weaknesses that only become obvious when the relationship becomes permanent.
This is why godly counsel should not be despised.
“What an elder sees, the child may not see.”
There are things experience can reveal that youthful excitement may overlook. There are patterns that a mature person may recognize because they have walked through situations you have never experienced. There are questions someone outside the relationship may be able to ask because they are not emotionally entangled in it.
But spiritual mentorship should not replace prayer, discernment or personal responsibility. Rather, it should help you see more clearly and make decisions with greater wisdom.
WHY SPIRITUAL MENTORSHIP MATTERS IN MARRIAGE
In 2017, I was in a Youth Conference in Lagos State, Nigeria. During the meeting, one of the Guest Speakers, a Pastor, was invited to the podium. The words of exaltation and spirit uplifting that proceeded from him electrified the atmosphere.
... While looking around the audience, I could perceive senses of hope, joy and revival emitting from the faces of the youths. There was something about the atmosphere that made people pay attention, because the message was not merely about marriage as an institution, but about preparation, spiritual accountability, wisdom and the importance of not walking blindly into one of the most important decisions of life.
This Guest Speaker made some reasonable remarks which I am going to share briefly, and I hope those who are already trending on the wrong path would retrace their footsteps, because ignorance is the worst self-deception. Sometimes, people enter relationships with excitement, emotions and physical attraction, but they fail to ask the deeper questions that could determine the future of the marriage. They look at what is visible today without considering what may become of that person tomorrow. They make decisions based on what their eyes can see, while neglecting the wisdom of people who may have the spiritual maturity to see what they cannot see.
THE GUEST SPEAKER SPEAKING
“My noble youths, ladies and gentlemen, I want to assure you that you must have someone you need to give account of!”
Ladies, don't look down on any man whose present condition didn't tick your marital boxes.
Now, beloved, before you turn down that marriage proposal, try to communicate with your spiritual mentor.
Ask for opinions, spiritual prayer backing and guidance before taking any further step, because what an elder sees, the child may not see. Sometimes, the person you are rejecting because of his present condition may not remain in that condition forever. Sometimes, what you see today is only a chapter of someone's life and not the conclusion of the story.
Ladies always aspire to be a husband builder instead of a husband name bearer. When you build and develop yourself mentally, spiritually, financially and emotionally, no man will come around and you won't have any contribution or seed to sow into his life.
Marriage should not merely be about finding somebody who already has everything. It should also be about two people who are prepared to build, support, encourage, sacrifice and grow together under God.
ALSO READ: Preparing For Marriage
Ladies, men always appreciate women who stood by them when they had nothing, who laboured, struggled and fasted with every spiritual backing on their knees, with financial support and encouragement. Dear, in the next few years, you will become the lyrics of his tune because husband builders are special women. The contribution you make during the difficult seasons of a man's life can become a testimony that speaks for decades.
Now, when you marry an already established man, all that you do is bear his name and give him children, then where do you expect the respect and love to come from? Your beauty and body contours will soon fade and get used to by him, but the investment and contribution you made in his life will always speak. So, my daughters, I advise you should always strive to be a husband builder instead of a husband name bearer.
This does not mean that a woman should marry a man simply because he is struggling. It does not mean that every poor man is God's will for every woman, or that every established man is unsuitable for marriage.
There must still be prayer, wisdom, character, compatibility, responsibility and genuine spiritual discernment. The lesson is that present financial condition should not become the only measurement by which someone determines whether another person is worthy of consideration for marriage.
THE STORY OF THE OKADA RIDER
Some time ago, one of my spiritual daughters received a marriage proposal from a man who was trying to survive. The man was an okada rider (motorcyclist).
That was what he did for a living, and when this my daughter came to me, after much deliberation, I told her, “He is God's will for you. Go and marry him!”
She screamed, cried and lamented, “Sir, no! I can't marry him. He is an okada man. Have you seen his wretched motorcycle? I, a graduate, marrying a motorcycle rider? God forbid!”She continued, “Daddy, please, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I can't marry him. I just came to let you know about his interest and didn't expect to hear this from you.”
I looked at her and replied, “I'm very certain that he is the one. Go and accept him and you will see what will happen!”
With saddened looks, tears and a broken heart, she looked at me and wept, sobbing and eventually followed my instructions. After a while, we got to know that the young man was a graduate but unfortunately found himself trying to survive through any means available to him.
After their wedding, a few months later, God connected him and he was appointed as Special Adviser to one of the State Governors in Nigeria. Today, she is ever grateful for having a spiritual mentor whom God used to speak into her life.
The lesson here is not that every woman must accept a struggling man because a spiritual mentor says so. The lesson is that there are things we may not know about the journey of another person. A person may be passing through a difficult season without that season becoming his permanent identity. Therefore, don't allow physical appearance, occupation, present financial condition or social status to become the only voice speaking to you when making a marital decision.
So, I repeat, go and find a mentor whom you will always account for.
Let us stop here.
BEFORE YOU SAY YES
Many have popular names but very bad families. Many jump on Church pulpits but weep daily in their secret places. Many people appear successful before the public, but their private marital lives are completely different from what people see outside.
Some people can preach powerfully, sing beautifully, lead departments and command respect in Church, yet their homes are places of constant sorrow.
Many of our parents are not seeing what they expected in their marriages. It is what they never planned for that they are seeing. They entered marriage with dreams, expectations and hopes, but somewhere along the line, things became different from what they imagined.
May this never happen to you in Jesus' name.
While a man of God was counseling a woman, she burst into tears and said, “Pastor, this is not what I planned for in my marriage. I never planned to face this.”
My leg shook as I heard that.
She met what she didn't wish would happen to her. So sad that she didn't prepare well.
If you will escape marital pain and failure, knowledge is so paramount. Marriage should not be approached with emotions alone. You need knowledge, prayer, wisdom, counsel and spiritual preparation. Love is important, but love without knowledge can make people enter situations they were never prepared to handle.
BROTHER, KNOW HER SPIRITUAL SOURCE
Dear Brother, may I beg you not to continue a relationship with a Sister when you don't know her spiritual source? This looks so foolish but it is highly real, Sir.
And that's why I maintain my stand: never you marry a lady whose spiritual parents you don't know. Be closer to her spiritual parents and mentors before you marry her. You need to know the people who have been speaking into her life, correcting her, praying with her and helping her grow spiritually.Any Christian Sister who can't point to a woman of God or a holy man of God as someone overseeing her spiritual life is dangerous to marry.
To me, if the Lady you want to marry has no spiritual parents when you meet her, then something must be wrong. It may be that she is bad in character, hates correction, is possessed, proud or ignorant, or self-sufficient. She may have developed a lifestyle where nobody can correct her, nobody can question her and nobody can speak into her life.
I beg you, she has no excuse not to be able to point to someone as her Mordecai.
If Mordecai was absent in the journey of Esther, I doubt if she would have arrived at the Palace. Esther had someone who could guide her, instruct her and help position her for the assignment ahead. Her journey was not disconnected from the influence of someone who had wisdom concerning her life.
So, a lady who is too big to stay under the custody of a spiritual mentor will be too big for you to control.
Brethren, it is better to marry a Sister who has no biological fathers and mothers than to marry a Sister who can't point to someone as the person who was instrumental in her journey in life. When she has no spiritual parents, that's when she is a real orphan.
My submission is based on my personal studies of events. It may not be general, so I am objective in my submission. But I still maintain my stand that if the Holy Spirit will train a man, human beings will be instrumental in such training. God will not come down physically to train you. He sometimes sends you to submit under a person who can teach, correct, guide and equip you.
And to be sincere, a Sister or Brother that cannot submit to a human being, how will such submit to God?
GOD USES PEOPLE IN OUR JOURNEY
Brethren, you have the Holy Spirit. No one says you don't have the Holy Spirit, but still, it is someone who will act as your ladder to the top; it is a person that will create a platform for you. It is someone who may open a door, introduce you to an opportunity, teach you something or correct a weakness that could have destroyed your future.
No man can become anything in life in isolation. Someone must train you to know something. Someone must have contributed to your development. Someone must have prayed for you, corrected you, taught you, encouraged you or created a platform that helped you move forward.It is pride and ignorance when we claim our rising in life is not linked to anyone. God must have sent someone to give us the platform and equip us for the present level we are today.
So, as a Sister, my counsel to you is, NEVER say “YES” to a Brother when you cannot identify someone who trained him in ministry. Never say “YES” to him until he shows you who he bows to and respects.
You need to know someone who can talk to him and he will listen.
You need to know someone who can correct him and he will hear.
You need to know someone who can call him to order when necessary and he will not become offended simply because he has been corrected.
You are on your own if the Brother you marry is someone who has no respect for any spiritual head.
Who will bail you out when trouble begins?
Who will you cry to when you need to convince him to see some things?
I see you saying, “You will cry to God.”
No problem!
But please let him show you someone he is spiritually submitted to. It is important, Sisters.
WHEN MARRIAGE NEEDS SPIRITUAL ACCOUNTABILITY
I once heard of Bishop Oyedepo locking himself up in a room while attempting to undergo seven days dry fasting. His wife cried and pleaded with him to open the room, but he refused. It was when she ran to P.A. Adeboye that, on his arrival, Bishop Oyedepo heard the voice of his father and immediately had no option but to open the room.
Sisters, can I talk to you?
Please open your ears and pay attention. This is your life!
I beg you, let the Brother have someone he submits to.
Many of our mothers cry day and night because they have no one their husbands fear. He has now turned to the Goliath of the family, oppressing everyone. When there is no trusted spiritual or mature voice that a man respects, it can become difficult for family members to intervene when serious problems arise.
If that Brother you are engaged to now has no one to call a spiritual head, someone you see him looking up to, someone who also knows about your relationship, please request that he gets someone. If he refuses, I encourage you to pray to God again and reconsider your relationship with him. If it is for you to break up, please do.Something big like a mountain may be waiting when you finally marry.
Please get knowledge now!
DO NOT MARRY ONLY A NOMINAL CHRISTIAN
Also, please, as a Sister or Brother, it is dangerous for you to marry a nominal Christian or an ordinary Churchgoer.
I am not saying God's will is not the apex, but I am only saying my own.
Many Ministry Brothers who marry an ordinary Sister who only attends Church but is not committed to God are out of ministry today. I know a Pastor who has abandoned the ministry work for businesses, a Missionary.
The Sister you marry will determine how far you will go in ministry.
Brother, if that Sister is not very committed to God and the business of soul winning, please you have to consider your decision again.
I have seen Ministry women turn to ordinary and powerless Christians because of the men they marry. Yes, I mean it, and I weep for these people.
Sister, any Brother who is not spiritual and very committed to the work of God may not be God's will for you, Ma'am. Please watch.
That Brother who only comes to Church once upon a time, who has no time for spiritual things but can spend hours when it comes to his business or career, what happens when you marry him?
You are a lady on assignment for Jesus. How will it work?
Please don't destroy God's vision for your life because of love.
DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR GOD-GIVEN ASSIGNMENT
As a Lady, it is good to be industrious and very sound when it comes to academics. But please don't sacrifice your ministry or God's-given vision for them. Your education is important. Your career is important. Your financial development is important. But if God has entrusted an assignment into your hands, don't allow marriage to become the graveyard of that assignment.
Any Brother who is not ministry-oriented may not be good for you. When he is complaining now that you are not married about your commitment in fellowship or Church, he is not comfortable because of your dedication to Jesus and mission, how will you cope then when you marry him?
Please don't be blindfolded by love.
Many mothers are really regretting that they married the man they are with today. While they were single, they were ministry-oriented, but after marriage they left it because Daddy didn't give them a good atmosphere to run the assignment in their care.
Please Sisters, look before you leap.I beg you not to marry an handsome Brother but not spiritual, or spiritual but proud. When you meet these Brothers, they stylishly drive you away from the spiritual people that surround you.
They fence you away from those people who could assist your life.
They want to be the only one that controls your life even when you are not married to them.
These Brothers are so arrogant that they question any instruction your spiritual leader gives you.
Many of them will instruct you never to disclose their relationship with you to anyone else.
From these Brothers, no matter the oil on their head, please flee.
LET JESUS BE THE FIRST ATTRACTION
Let your first thing that will attract you to someone be your spiritual life. It is an insult to a lady when they call her “sexy.” So bad.
Let people see Jesus in you.
You should not be beautification outside but corrupt inward.
You should not be taking care of your face while you neglect your heart.
Let the light of Jesus be shown in you.
Marriage is more than physical attraction. The face will change. The body will change. Financial circumstances can change. Social status can change. Positions can change. But character, spiritual maturity, humility, accountability and the fear of God can continue to speak through the different seasons of life.
Before you conclude to marry someone, please demand to know who he or she is accountable to. Ask questions. Observe. Pray. Seek counsel. Don't be afraid of getting wise opinions from mature people because you are afraid that someone may interfere in your relationship.The right spiritual counsel is not necessarily interference. Sometimes, it is protection.
WHO WILL SPEAK WHEN TROUBLE COMES?
No one prays to have crises. No one plans to have challenges. No one enters marriage saying, “I want to suffer.” But it is very good that the Brother or Sister has someone whom he or she can fear and respect.
Many people who skipped this stage are terribly weeping today because they felt it was not important, but now it is important.
When trouble comes, you may discover that the person you thought was easy to communicate with suddenly becomes difficult to correct. You may discover that the person who appeared humble during courtship does not accept correction after marriage. You may discover that the person who seemed spiritual in Church has no accountability in private life.
That is why preparation matters.
That is why knowledge matters.
That is why spiritual mentoring matters.
That is why accountability matters.
Don't wait until the wedding has taken place before you start looking for people who can speak into your marriage. Don't wait until there is a serious crisis before you begin searching for a spiritual head that your spouse respects.
ADVICE TO SISTERS AND BROTHERS
Dear Sister, don't allow physical appearance to make the final decision for you. Don't allow money to make the final decision for you. Don't allow social status to make the final decision for you. Don't allow emotions to make the final decision for you. And don't allow pressure from friends, family or society to make the final decision for you.
Seek God. Seek knowledge. Seek wisdom. Seek mature counsel.
Dear Brother, don't look only for a beautiful woman. Look for a woman who has the fear of God, who can receive correction, who understands submission to God, who has spiritual accountability and who will not turn your home into a battlefield.
A beautiful face can attract you, but character will determine how you live together.
A man's money can impress you, but his character will reveal how he will treat you when the money is no longer enough.
A woman's beauty can attract a man, but her spiritual life, character and wisdom will become part of the atmosphere of the home.
And for those who are already in relationships, please don't be offended by this message. Examine yourself. Ask yourself honest questions. Who is speaking into your life? Who can correct you? Who can call you to order? Who knows about your relationship? Who can your partner respect enough to listen to when there is disagreement?
A Brother or Sister who is too big to submit to someone will be too big to lead you.
And if you are preparing for marriage, don't wait until you are already inside the marriage before you start seeking knowledge. The season before marriage is a season of preparation. It is the season to observe character, spiritual commitment, family patterns, accountability, vision, responsibility and the direction of the person's life.
Don't be carried away by “I love him.”
Don't be carried away by “She is beautiful.”
Don't be carried away by “He has money.”
Don't be carried away by “She is educated.”
Don't be carried away by “He is popular.”
Don't be carried away by “She has a good job.”
Look deeper.
Who is this person spiritually?
Who corrects this person?
Who does this person respect?
Who does this person listen to?
What happens when this person is corrected?
What happens when things don't go according to plan?
What is this person's attitude towards God?
What is this person's attitude towards spiritual things?
What is this person's attitude towards family?
What is this person's attitude towards accountability?
These questions may not sound romantic, but they can become very important after the wedding.
And before you walk down the aisle, you need to know whether you are walking alone, or whether there are godly voices around your life who can guide, correct and counsel you when necessary.
Marriage is too important to enter BLINDLY. Don't allow love to silence WISDOM. Don't allow beauty to silence DISCERNMENT. Don't allow money to silence character.
Don't allow pressure from family, friends or society to silence the questions you need to ask.
And don't be afraid to seek counsel simply because you are afraid that someone may challenge what you want to hear.
Sometimes, the counsel you need most is the counsel that makes you stop and think.
Before you say YES, get knowledge now.
Before you say YES, seek godly counsel.
Before you say YES, understand who you are joining your life with.
And before you take that step, you need knowledge.
KNOWLEDGE BEFORE MARRIAGE
Marriage is too important to enter blindly.
Some people are currently crying over what they ignored during courtship. Some are now discovering things they refused to investigate because they were emotionally attached. Some were warned but called the warning jealousy. Some were advised but said, “Nobody understands our relationship.” Some were told to slow down, pray and seek counsel, but they were determined to marry because they believed love alone would solve every problem.
Love is powerful, but marriage requires more than feelings.
You need wisdom.
You need maturity.
You need prayer.
You need character.
You need responsibility.
You need spiritual understanding.
You need accountability.
And sometimes, you need people God has placed around your life to help you see what you cannot see.
What an elder sees, the child may not see.
Therefore, before you say yes, pray.
Before you say no, pray.
Before you reject someone because of his present condition, pray.
Before you accept someone because of beauty, money or status, pray.
Before you allow emotions to silence wisdom, pray.
And before you walk into marriage, make sure you are not walking alone.
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14
A Brother or Sister who is too big to submit to someone will be too big to lead you.
May God give every unmarried Brother and Sister the wisdom to recognize His will, the humility to receive godly counsel, the courage to walk away from what will destroy their destiny and the grace to recognize the person He has prepared for their journey.
May we not choose marriage because of pressure.
May we not choose marriage because of beauty.
May we not choose marriage because of money.
May we not choose marriage because of loneliness.
May we not choose marriage because everybody around us is getting married.
May we choose with prayer, wisdom, knowledge, spiritual discernment and the fear of God.
And may God help us to understand that marriage is not only about finding someone to love. It is also about finding someone with whom we can fulfil God's purpose, build a godly home, raise children in the fear of God, serve humanity and continue the journey without destroying one another's destiny.
Please get knowledge now.
Don't wait until after marriage.
Look before you leap.
Pray before you decide.
Seek counsel before you conclude.
And above everything, seek God.
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